As Yusim explains, He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. I so badly dont want to be disrespected by him so I am assuming things and (like him and her talking) and I am flipping out, in hopes he will see I wont be a doormat, but then a day later I calm down and I want him around and I am more myself. Yeah, did not like that. Then he doesnt come home until way later and doesnt think its a big deal. I should just be honest with him and tell him I dont know what to do and where we stand, but im so sick of bringing things up and watching his face just fall in annoyance (sometimes). He went and laid on the couch and sent me a text saying lets finalize a divorce. Tabs like you my OH dropped the OW immediately I confronted himafter an 8 year friendship. I think you may have been the best thing to happen to me right now. It would be good to know what it is. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. You cant have your husband cheating plus calling all the shots!! Its like the 180 but a lesser extent. He doesnt want to help you in any way. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. I know down the road he would regret it. The damage has been done. If you are telling me how perfect our marriage is and how happy you are and you are cheating I think that says a lot about the cheater. And part of me believes him, and part of me thinks you may be right about a possible different woman. Boo Frickin Hoo! I dont know..Ive thought about going to a psychologist but I cant afford it. People lie would start yelling at her if they ran out of an item like rye bread. If you want her be a man, own it and move out. I want to prove to him I can make changes on my end, but he doesnt seem to want to prove to me that I can trust him again. He wont put in the work on the follow-up things were supposed to be doing. How do you get past that? We are just now, and I mean literally in the last couple weeks communicating in a real way, but the relationship may be so damaged now, its unfixable and I have a lot more additional trauma to deal with, from fights, lack of empathy, being called jealous or crazy or hysterical, I dont know what to believe, and Im so much farther past it, with him just now beginning to absorb the absolute terror, trauma and other effects. It helps him continue the affair. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. He seems unwilling right now to make much effort. When she was messaging me nasty messages he couldnt stand up for me. I couldnt agree more! I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. If you decide to try and R at some point, you need to come to an understanding between both of you as to what your M will be and look like. I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. He wont answer questions. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. Given that you have some assets, you may want to protect them from him. He may be having more than one OW or just enjoying the flirting. & whatever we did before, in the marriage is a death sentence, already. Its indifference. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. He does not deserve you do not allow this man to treat you this way ever get rid of him and find someone that will love you care for you and respect you. Because he chose to stay M. No talking or therapy or pleading or crying had any impact unfortunately. But it is a calm rational approach. He immediately quit his job but has continued to secretly speak to the other woman. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. It sounds like your h is irresponsible and immature because he acts like a selfish overgrown toddler. Or should I try to just not be around him and let him know im mad and skeptical and dont trust him and know I deserve more. Doug: Youre saying thats something you shouldnt have done? I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. What would it be like if this was over? You didnt have to ask yourself, Why is Linda pulling away?, I wish I would have early on, just really worked on myself a lot more and said to myself, Okay. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. If you wait until you get mad enough to do it first, the damage is done. Normal life as far as they could tell. Because if I said I wanted a D (in his mind) I ended the M. In his mind his A had no impact or reason for the D. He was impressed by how close my family was, he became a part of it and he loved it and it was like he felt such pride in me as his girlfriend, 5 years later as his fiance, and 6 years later as his wife. And it seems like at moments he is completely out of the fog, he seems to be here, himself, wanting to be here, enjoying it. But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. He admits now that my requests to please call if late was very reasonable. Strong focused and determined. Thank you so much for your response. This Fog article and your comments have cleared out a Lot of stuff in my mind, specially the part that he is blaming me to have destroyed our marriage and justifying him dating her, that is how he tell it. So sorry for you. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. I hope he comes to his senses. Its all I had. i have not been supportive of her decisions. I want to be me. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. Why would she. I went in my own for years. My mind truthfully runs rampant, its horrible. Who cares about that? I absolutely do NOT want to divorce him, I love him more than anything, but I just dont even know this person right now sometimes. In that call I told her she was number 15000 she was screaming (he had online pics and smut porn hookups and whatever else he tried to hide) she was nothing special just a nameless faceless whore hole an overused worn out piece of rotten meat I told him he was dead to me he murdered the man I loved to have a whore stroke his ego and his penis . I feel a tight pain in my chest, im finding it hard to breathe and I cannot focus. How im SO insecure now when I never was before. The affair fog is a mighty grip On reality for the cheater. I am so not ready to go down that road. And thats fine, I mean I dont even know. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. BTW after your married what was his schedule in terms of going out with friends? You never had an opportunity to think, Gosh. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. But yet he wants to see the baby every night. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. I deserve so much more than this. Im sure thats not what you want. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. A partner. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. Of course he could be lying to me. And you cannot live like that. I dont know how long he will continue sleeping at home or when he will say hes leaving, or hes found his own place, or what happens next. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. Again, if he lies, you tell him that you are expecting him to be honest. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. He clearly isnt worried enough about losing me to where he feels like he needs to make a change. But What was happening behind my back, I think I could have handled a lot more because you werent walking in and lying to me. We discussed him getting his own place might work out better. I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. When they err not around I did but it is a living hell living in a marriage that is disintegrating and you cannot do anything. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. You get to the point if no one cares b/c you dont. He goes out till all hours and doesnt tell you. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. I just dont know how much longer this can last. Get control over your life and let him see a stronger you. Now in her 40s she had left it too late to have a baby and it had totally fucked her up. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. I told him he isnt even sorry about it and he got really mad. He is using that to support his evil wife persona of you. Its her or me. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. Something triggers the thought of him and whats happening and all of a sudden I couldnt control my thoughts and my sadness. And if I said that to him it might be a wake up call, but then again, I might regret it 10 mins later and regret saying it. Do you think it is possible to commit fully to this 180, while he is living here, and he will see it and maybe open his eyes?
Fog is lifting, now what? - DivorceBusting.com It is about respect. When I finally exploded and did not speak to him for days he finally knew I was furious and ended it. They usually come to realize every person has faults and they just Its more him having these perceptions of me and the outside world, totally different then he used to. He fantasized about escape. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. I am abnormally sad, like a new low. You know he is unreliable. Last week I had a suspicion that he was continuing to talk to the OW, and I had a minor blow up. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. We were only talkingnothing else! I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. They feel a new high, a feeling of being in love. I want to move on but it kills me inside that he is out having the time of his life and showing no remorse whatsoever for the lives hes destroying. You are very smart. He didnt know what he wanted. I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed.
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